Becoming Awake
by VirginiaLover
Summary: Bella's life was shattered after her mom left. The one that was supposed to protect her hurt her beyond repair. When she meets a guy that is just as broken as she is, will she let him in?


1. Numb

When your little life is easy, simple. You don't have a care in the world. You believe in Prince's that will come and sweep you off your feet. The most important man in your life is your father who protects you from harm and checks to see if there are monsters in your closet at night before you go to sleep. Then you grow up and reality sets in.

I can't tell you how many times that I have wished that I could go back to those times. Life was easier to deal with and no one got close enough to hurt you.

I thought that my parents were happily married, which I guess at some point they were. I remember hearing their fighting through the walls at night when I was lying in bed and the next morning when I woke up they would act like nothing had happened. They would smile and my dad would kiss my mom before he left for work. They were good at putting on a show. They made everyone around them think that they were a happily married couple.

I remember thinking when I was ten that my mom's eyes looked dead, like she had been through a long, tiresome war. Which behind closed doors she was fighting just that. It didn't help when my dad started drinking, that just made things worse. She would come downstairs in the morning with bruises on her face.

When I fourteen my mom left. What a great birthday present to me. I woke up that morning to find that she had left in the night and hadn't taken me with her. I was afraid of my dad and my mom was the only one that kept him from laying a hand on me.

That was when my James, my brother's friend started coming around. He was seventeen and strong. He promised that he would protect me. Yeah, protect me that was rich. The night he betrayed that promise is still etched into my brain like a scar that won't fade. He hurt me the worst.

He came to my room that night which wasn't unusual. He stayed over a lot and he would come to my room to check on me, to make sure that I was okay. But this night was different. He got in the bed with me and put his arm around me.

"Bella?" he asked. "You awake?"

"Mhm." I replied. I was frozen. I was uncomfortable with him being in the bed with me. I liked him and everything but I didn't like him _that_ way.

"You're so pretty." he caressed my arm. "You smell so good." he buried his nose in my hair.

"Stop it." I said trying to wiggle my way out from under his arm.

"Shh, its okay." he tightened his arm, making escape impossible.

"I'm uncomfortable." I scooted over as far as his arm would allow. Being fourteen, I had no idea what sex was really all about. I had been through sex ed and I had tried to ignore as much as I could because it made me uncomfortable and I had heard a few girls in one of classes talking about had bad it hurt the first time. Yes, the reality is that even fourteen-year-olds have sex, it's a fact, a sad one, but still a fact.

"Its okay, I'll make it all better." he gripped my chin and smashed his lips against mine. I yanked my head away his. I didn't want this. I didn't want my first anything to be like this.

"You can stop trying to fight it," he turned my face to his. "I know you want it. I see the way that you look at me when I'm here with your brother. You're not as innocent as people think you are. You're just as slutty as any other girl."

He put his lips back on mine and pried my moth open and slipped his tongue in mine. He tasted like beer and cigarettes. I felt the tears start to run down my face and I bit down on his tongue.

"You bitch!" he cried out in pain. "You're going to pay for that."

I took his moment of weakness to slip out of his hold and got myself out of bed. I only made it a few steps before he grabbed my by the waist and threw me back on the bed.

"You're not going anywhere. Nobody cares enough to come save you. Your own mother doesn't even care. She left you without a second thought. You're just a piece of shit that nobody wants. No one is going to car for you like I do."

The bastard. I tried so hard not to let myself believe what he was saying but I did. It still makes me sick that I believed any of the crap that came out of his mouth.

I heard the clink of his belt and a fresh wave of tears came. I started sobbing when I felt his fingers hook into my shorts and pull them down with my underwear. I thrashed beneath him and pounded on his back to get him off of me.

"Shh." he said in my ear as his hand covered my mouth.

I screamed as he thrust into me, taking me virginity with him. I sobbed as his grunts and moans filled my ear. Stopped trying to fight him off, it was no use, he had already taking everything from me.

He moaned loudly when he came. I felt as rush of liquid go into me and he pulled out.

"Thank you, beautiful girl. You'll think me later." he whispered in my ear. He pulled his pants back on and left the room.

I laid there and tried to comprehend what just happened, but my brain was incapable of functioning. It had turned its self off. I got up and locked the door to make sure that he wouldn't be able to get back in and went into the bathroom.

I heaved into the toilet and just sat there on the floor my arms around my legs, rocking back and forth. I felt dirty, used, and sick. I took a shower to try to wipe what he did to me away, to make so that it hadn't happened.

I went to bed that night and tossed and turned all night and when I was asleep it was plagued with nightmares. The morning didn't bring any solitude. He was still in the house. I was actually looking forward to going to school to be able to escape for a while. The prospect of not seeing him for eight hours gave me a little relief.

"Morning, Bella." Emmett said when I came downstairs in the morning. He stopped what he was doing when he saw me. I must have looked worse than I thought. "Are you okay you look like shit?" he placed his hand on my forehead.

"I'm fine." I sat down at the table. I hadn't seen James yet. I was hoping that I had gotten lucky and he was at home. "Where's James?"

"Upstairs." Emmett sat next to me. "Why? Do you have a crush on him or something?"

"No!" I practically yelled.

"What's going on?" I heard his voice.

"My sister has a crush on you." my brother said getting up from the table.

"Really?" he winked at me as he passed by and I looked away.

I was disgusted. I looked at the clock and was happy to find that it was time for me to get to my bus stop.

"Aren't you going to eat?"

"I have to go." I begged Emmett with my eyes to let me leave.

"Okay. 'Bye."

My brother was more like a father than our actual father was. The guy helped put him to bed at night when he was so drunk he couldn't walk straight. I didn't want to think about what it was going to be like when he went off to college next fall. It was just going to get worse than it already was.

Things only went down hill from there. I slept with my door locked at night, so James hadn't touched me again. I hadn't told anyone what had happened. I was ashamed. I actually thought that it was my fault.

A few months passed and I woke up one morning, running to bathroom and puking my guts out. I went to my brothers room and told him that I wasn't feeling well. Being the worrywart he was he took me to the doctor.

"I'm fine. I just have a stomach bug." I said as we sat in the exam room.

"We'll see what the doctor says."

"Yeah, he's going to say that I have a stomach bug and to drink fluids. There is no reason for us to be here." he ignored me.

"Hello, Bella." the doctor said when he came into the room. "What seems to be the problem?"

"I have a stomach bug." I looked at my brother.

"We're going to take a blood test, make sure that nothing else is going on."

I groaned. I hated needles.

They took the blood and we sat in the office for the few hours it took for them to run the test and get the results back from the lab. When the doctor came back into the room his face was one of concern. The only thought that was going through my head was that I had cancer.

"I have some shocking news based on your age." he looked at me. "You're pregnant."

"I can't be pregnant I'm only fucking fourteen!" I started crying.

"Well, are you sexual active?"

I remembered the night that James raped me. The bastard got me pregnant. Shit. My life was down the tubes.

"Considering your age, this could be very dangerous."

"No. No abortion." I said looking at the ground. I may not have wanted to have sex and I may not want to be pregnant, but the baby didn't deserve to die because of how it came to be.

"Bella.." Emmett started.

"I just want to go home."

Emmett closed his eyes before relenting and taking me home. When we got in the car he just sat there with the keys in the ignition. I could tell he was angry, which from his view, he had every right to be.

"Who the hell did you sleep with?" he looked at me, his eyes glassy.

"I never wanted any of this to happen. Any of it." the tears pooled in my eyes. "I just want to go home, Emmett."

"You aren't going to give me any answers are you?"

"Please, just drop it." I pleaded.

"I knew something was up with the way that you've been acting. I don't even want to think about what will happen when dad finds out. But all I have to tell you is that I hope that he's sober." he fumed.

"Do you hate me now? I'm not your innocent sister. I'm goddamn pregnant."

"Watch your language."

"Stop trying to be a dad!" I was just saying things at that point. I just wanted the conversation to stop.

"Well, someone has to be because our father sure as hell isn't!"

Dealing with Emmett had been easy compared to what came later that night. Our father blanched at the news that I was pregnant and not long after became intoxicated and that's when things got really ugly. It was hard enough to handle his reaction when he was sober, but the things the alcohol made him say cut me deep.

"Great, I have a slut for a daughter." he slurred. "What? Couldn't keep your legs closed?"

"Dad.." Emmett tried to reason with him.

"What? It's not like she's not going to here this from other people." he looked at me. "You make me sick. You're turning into a whore just like your mother was."

"At least my mother loved me." I said anger in my words.

"If your mother loved you so much than why did she leave?"

"What's going on?" I heard James come in. I hated the fact that he was seen as part of the family and was able to come and go as he pleased.

"My daughter's pregnant!" my dad said throwing his arms in the air. "Might as well let the world know!" he left the room and I heard his door slam behind him.

Later, as I was cleaning the dishes, my arm was grabbed sharply from behind. I was yanked around to face James. He looked furious. Like a lion that was ready to pounce on their prey.

"I sure hope that you're not planning on keeping the thing," he shook me slightly. "It could cause a lot of problems for me if what happened got out."

"Its not your damn business." I spit in his face.

"Like you could be a mother. You'd probably end up leaving it just like your mother left you."

"Get away from me." I tried to push him away.

"Get rid of it, and we won't have a problem."

"I'm not doing anything that you say. You did this to me. I said no."

"Really? Because if I remember correctly, you asked for it. Who do you really think that people will believe?" he left me alone then and I sunk to the floor.

Nothing changed at school at first. No one treated me any differently. I hid it for as long as I could before the bump became impossible to hide behind a sweatshirt. That's when people started looking at me like they were disgusted. Even the teachers would look at me with a disappointed expression.

When I meant Rosalie Hale it was like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. She was new and had moved to Forks from California. She sat next to me in history class and actually talked to me and I talked back. When she sat with me at lunch I tried to warn her that people would treat her like shit for it but she had said that she didn't care what those douche bags said, she was sitting with her friend and that was the end of that.

Rose was the first and only person that I told about James. She had listened and put her hand on mine when I started crying. I made her swear that she wouldn't tell anyone and she promised that she wouldn't. She even tried to assure me that it wasn't my fault and that was the day that I knew that she was my best friend, not that I had had one before her.

Rose made school easier to deal with but she couldn't make my home life any better. My dad looked at me with more and more disgust as the months went by and said that he wanted nothing to with the 'disappointment' and he wasn't going anywhere near the hospital when it was born.

My doctors appointments was how I met Sue. She was a middle-aged woman that lived out in La Push. I started talking to her one day while Emmett was signing me in and we developed a friendship of sorts. She became like a mother to me.

When I found out that it was a girl I was actually excited about it. When I told Rose, she was actually excited too.

"What are you going to name her?" she asked when we were studying at her house. Her parents welcomed me into there home and said that I was allowed over anytime, it seemed like they didn't care that I was pregnant.

"I don't know yet."

"Do you know what you're going to do?"

"No. Sue said that she'd take her, but I can't think about not seeing her."

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I wished there was something that I could do."

"Don't worry about it, Rose. I'll be fine... eventually."

She gave me a sad smile as we continued to work on our homework.

James was around less often, which made everything just a little easier. Emmett, though he made it clear that he was disappointed, was there for me. He even when out in the middle of the night one night when I wanted chocolate ice cream. He came to peace with the fact that I was never going to tell him who the baby's father was and stopped asking.

As eighth grade year was coming to an end, my due date was getting closer and closer. I was due at the end of June and was put on bed rest for the duration. I was not able to go to me eighth grade graduation. It didn't really matter to me anyway. The year had been hell for me and I really didn't want to walk across a stage to get a certificate of achievement when everybody would be talking about me. But, it also meant that I wasn't going to be able to see my brother graduate from high school.

"This sucks." I said when he came into my room carrying his cap and gown. "Someone needs to be there for you."

"Its fine." he patted my leg.

"No it's not. If none of this would have happened I would be there and so would mom."

"We can't change things, Bella. Try to relax like the doctor said and I will be back in a couple of hours."

"I love you, Emmett."

"I love you too, Bells."

I waved at him as he went out the front door. I was home, all alone. I felt uncomfortable. No one was here to protect me if James came over here. Locking the door wouldn't keep him out because he had a key. Calling Rose was out of the question because she was at school, celebrating with everyone else. It was just me.

I fell asleep and was awoken by the front door closing.

"Emmett?" I called, but the footsteps didn't match. My heart was pounding as James rounded the corner. "James." I said, my voice breaking.

"Your brother asked me to come check up on you." he replied coming towards me. "I see the problem is still there." he eyed my stomach. "You used to be so pretty." his finger ran down my cheek.

"Don't touch me." I spat.

"What are you going to do? Its not like your able to fight me off, but you never were able, were you?"

"I hate you." I got from the couch as quickly as I could. I got as much distance between us as I could.

"Bella, Bella, Bella. Where do you think that you're going?' he made it to me in just a few steps. He trapped me against the wall.

"Get away from me." I pushed as hard as I could on his chest, but it did nothing.

"I thought I told you to get rid of it?" his eyes when on fire with fury. "I swear to God if I see the thing anywhere near here, I will kill both of you, do you understand?"

I nodded shakily, tears running down my face.

"Good."

Emmett came home not long after that and James put on his good guy face and asked him how the ceremony was and they proceeded to talk about how the senior class tee-peed the principals car.

That was the day that I decided that I was going to give my baby to Sue Clearwater. I didn't care what happened to me, but I did care about her's and she deserved to have a happy life.

Rose came over everyday after that while Emmett was at work to keep me company. We watched movies and I told her my decision and what had happened with James to make me come to it.

Emmett and I worked everything out with Sue and she agreed to take her.

"Are you sure, sweetheart?" she asked.

"Yes, I want her life to be a happy one and this is the only way. And Sue?"

"Yes?"

"I want you to be there when she's born."

A few days later my water broke. Emmett started freaking out and helped me out the car calling Sue as he did so. I rolled my eyes. The way her was acting you would think that he was the one giving birth to a watermelon.

The pain was unbearable. I had no idea how anything could feel this bad in my life.

"I don't think I can do this, Emmett. It hurts so bad."

"I know, Bella. I know." he ran his fingers through my hair.

"Is there anything I can get you?" Sue asked sounding helpless.

"No." I looked at her and gave her a weak smile.

After six hours of labor the doctor informed me that it was time to start pushing. I pushed for an hour, screaming and gripping my brothers hand for dear life. If I hadn't been in so much pain I would have been worried about breaking his hand.

"Just one more good push Bella!" the doctor told me.

"You're doing good,Bella."

I pushed with all of my might and heard the distinct cries of my daughter. I cried as they cleaned her up and Sue told me that she was beautiful. When I was able to hold her, I fell more in love with her than I was before.

"What do you want to name her Bella?" Sue asked.

"Mia Renee." I looked at her and she gave me a watery smile.

The day I left the hospital was hard as I handed Mia over to Sue. I cried all the way home. I hadn't realized that it was going to be as hard as it had been.

"Are you okay?" Rose asked when I walked into her house several days later.

"I'm fine. Its been hard, but I'm fine. I'm ready for a girls night. Actually I'm ready for anything that will distract me."

"Come on. My mom just made brownies and I think that you are in need of a major chocolate fix."

"Hello, Bella." Mrs. Hale said with a smile as we walked into the kitchen. "Its nice to see you."

I spent the rest of my summer hanging out with Rose and Emmett. James hadn't been around and I hadn't thought about him. There were actually times that I completely forgot about what had happened that really was a normal teenager.

Towards the end of the summer Emmett started packing for school. He had gotten into NYU which was amazing, but I was going to miss him.

"Its not going to be the same without you." I said looking around his practically empty room.

"Yeah, it will be a lot quieter." he teased.

"I don't know what I'm going to do without you." I confessed.

"Come here." he opened his arms and beckoned me over. He gave me one of his Emmett bear hugs. "I love ya, sis."

"I love ya too, bro." I squeezed him.

The day that Emmett left my dad drove him and me to the airport and gave him a hug at the gate. Our father may not always be the most lovable man one hundred percent of the time, but that day really did show that he loved us.

The ride home was silent. He acted like he wanted to say something, but never got to come out. We pulled into the driveway and he turned off the ignition. I turned to get out but he stopped me.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, Bella. For everything."

"I am too dad."

I loved my dad, but the only way that I was going to believe that he was truly sorry was when he stopped drinking for good and I knew that that was mostly likely never going to happen. That night proved that I was right when he passed out on the couch. I covered him with the blanket. It was my turn to take care of him now.

The next day Rosalie invited me over for an end of the summer cook out. I gladly took the invitation. It had been a while since I had seen Rose because I was spending as much time with Emmett as I could before he went off to college.

"So, what's it like without Emmett?" she asked. We were sitting on her back porch as her dad grilled hamburgers and hotdogs on the grill and her mom made lemonade in the kitchen.

"Its different. I miss him and its only been twenty-four hours."

"He's your brother. Of course your going to miss him."

"I never fully appreciated him."

"What do you mean?" she sounded surprised.

"I never realized how hard his job was. He took care of me and my dad. He did a lot, more than I realized."

"Has _he _been around?"

"No. Thank God."

"Girls, dinners ready." Mr Hale put a plate piled with food on the table and Rose's mom joined us as we began to eat.

I enjoyed the rest of the summer as much as I could. Emmett had called to tell me that he had made to New York fine and that he was moved into his dorm and that his roommate was cool and seemed really friendly. I told him how much that I missed him already and he laughed trying to lighten the mood.

I was terrified about starting high school. I prayed that I would survive the purgatory that it promised to be. Rose made me promise that we would walk in together on the first day and I said that there was no way that I wasn't. I gave me a little piece of mind that she was scared about the first day like I was, even if it was for different reasons.

I got my dad to take me shopping for supplies. It wasn't half bad. He joked a little like he used to and even took me to dinner the night before school started. That was the first night in years that he had stayed sober.

All of these things have brought me to where I am today. It hasn't gotten any easier. High schoolers like to pick out the sluts and apparently I am one of them. I'm a junior now and what happened three years ago still follows me around. The way that people look at me and whisper.

I just have one thing to say: Life Sucks Ass.


End file.
